|TERRELLE PRYOR SUPPORTS POL
Columbus (OP) -
Terrelle Pryor was elegant in his defense of Pol Pot. "Not everybody is
the perfect person in the world," Pryor said of Pot. "Everyone does -
kills people, murders people, steals from you, steals from me. I just
feel that people need to give him a chance."
Coach Jim Tressel on Saturday said he
wasn't aware of the situation. "I'm not tall enough to see his
eyeblack," said Tressel.
Ohio State SID hinted to OhioStateSucks.org that
Pryor is planning to honor several mass murderers throughout the year
when the Buckeyes are at home. Our sources have received that Hitler,
Stalin and Mao are on the list, but that mass murderers like Timothy
McVeigh would not be honored by Terrelle Pryor because his name would
not be able to fit on Pryor's eyeblack.
LOSES AT HOME
Columbus (OP) -
Terrell Pryor overcame countless holds that weren't called and fumbled
away Ohio State's chances against Penn State. He later added an
insurance turnover by throwing an interception to Lydell Sargeant in
the end zone, despite the help of teammates wearing black and white who
decided to ignore the hold on Aaron Maybin.
Pryor was visibly distraught on the sidelines. "I had already spent
this week's envelope. Sarniak's been taking a beating in the market
recently, so I've really been needing the extra income of those
GETS NATIONAL EMBARRASSMENT OVER EARLY
Pasadena (OP) - Jim Tressel's strategy paid off in spades. After losing
late to superior opponents the past two BCS Championship games, Tressel
decided to follow a different strategy. Heeding the advice that it is
better to lose early than late, Ohio State decided to destroy their
season early, losing to Southern Cal 35-3 on Saturday.
Tressel decided that if it was
good to get one bit of bad news out of the way early, he'd get two out
of the way. Instead of simply losing, he decided to get blown out by
Southern Cal, thus ensuring that Ohio State get embarrassed early in
the year rather than January. When reporters asked him whether Ohio
State's futility would be used against other teams in the Big Ten
unfairly, Tressel noted that "Who cares? If we're not in it, then we
really don't care about the perception of the Big Ten. It's not like
our reputation could get any worse after getting blown out in two
straight BCS games."
DECLARES COLUMBUS DISASTER AREA
(OP) - Governor Strickland has declared Columbus to be a disaster area.
He has also called in the national guard to maintain civil order. A 9PM
curfew on couches will be enforced immediately. More on this story as
PAY CUTS RESPONSIBLE FOR BUCKEYE LOSS
Glendale (OP) - Sources have
indicated that booster pay cuts to Buckeye players may have resulted in
players protesting with a work stoppage during Monday's BCS game.
Players found out about booster plans early in the 1st quarter,
shortly after Ted Ginn benefitted from Roy Hall's holding that was not
called. Buckeye players discovered that boosters were trying to cut
payments to players known as "golden envelopes" by as much as 35%. Troy
Smith was overheard saying, "I'm not a freshman, I deserve more than
$500. Screw this."
Other factions, led by Antonio Pittman, protested this work stoppage by
scoring a touchdown in the second quarter. However, Pittman
misunderstood and thought that the booster pay cuts would not affect
starters. Once he found out, the Buckeyes were united in their work
An unidentified booster gave the rationale for the pay cuts: "It is
expensive to travel to Arizona from Ohio. We thought we could economize
in this matter."
TRESSEL TRIES PEYOTE, LIKES IT!
Glendale (OP) - The seemingly
straightlaced Jim Tressel is enjoying his time in Arizona. While most
coaches come down to Arizona with a heavy workload that prevents them
any immersion into the desert culture, Jim Tressel has embraced the
native Arizona culture. Tressel has apparently been consuming peyote in
large quantities since the Buckeyes arrived in Arizona.
In related news, when asked about his decision to go for it on 4th and
1 deep inside Buckeye territory, Tressel responded that it was a
LAURINAITIS GIVES BACK AWARD; SMITH KEEPS HEISMAN
James Laurinaitis, the Ohio State linebacker and leader of the Buckeye
defense, decided to give back the Nagurski Award. "Patrick Willis'
defense never gave up 34 points in a half," Laurinaitis said, defending
Troy Smith, the Heisman Trophy winner, took a different course of
action. Smith quite emphatically said that he was keeping his award.
"I'm keeping it," Smith said, "don't you realize that most Heisman
Trophy winners lose in bowl games? Herschel Walker lost. Vinny
Testeverde lost. I'm doing my part for the Heisman tradition."
TO STRUGGLE AGAINST FLORIDA?
Ohio State has had many problems
against the SEC, especially in bowl games.
They lost against South Carolina in
the 2002 and 2001 Outback Bowls, even though South Carolina was
unranked in 2001.
They lost against Tennessee in the
1996 Citrus Bowl.
They lost to Alabama in the 1995
They lost to Georgia in the 1993
They lost to Auburn in the 1990 Hall
of Fame Bowl
They lost to Alabama in the 1978 Sugar
Can they beat Florida? Or does the SEC
have some attribute that Ohio State has always had trouble with? We
shall find out soon.