OHIO STATE LOSES AT HOME

Columbus (OP) - Terrell Pryor overcame countless holds that weren't called and fumbled away Ohio State's chances against Penn State. He later added an insurance turnover by throwing an interception to Lydell Sargeant in the end zone, despite the help of teammates wearing black and white who decided to ignore the hold on Aaron Maybin.

Pryor was visibly distraught on the sidelines. "I had already spent this week's envelope. Sarniak's been taking a beating in the market recently, so I've really been needing the extra income of those envelopes."




OHIO STATE GETS NATIONAL EMBARRASSMENT OVER EARLY

Pasadena (OP) - Jim Tressel's strategy paid off in spades. After losing late to superior opponents the past two BCS Championship games, Tressel decided to follow a different strategy. Heeding the advice that it is better to lose early than late, Ohio State decided to destroy their season early, losing to Southern Cal 35-3 on Saturday.

Tressel decided that if it was good to get one bit of bad news out of the way early, he'd get two out of the way. Instead of simply losing, he decided to get blown out by Southern Cal, thus ensuring that Ohio State get embarrassed early in the year rather than January. When reporters asked him whether Ohio State's futility would be used against other teams in the Big Ten unfairly, Tressel noted that "Who cares? If we're not in it, then we really don't care about the perception of the Big Ten. It's not like our reputation could get any worse after getting blown out in two straight BCS games."


GOVERNOR DECLARES COLUMBUS DISASTER AREA

Columbus (OP) - Governor Strickland has declared Columbus to be a disaster area. He has also called in the national guard to maintain civil order. A 9PM curfew on couches will be enforced immediately. More on this story as events develop... 




PAY CUTS RESPONSIBLE FOR BUCKEYE LOSS

Glendale (OP) - Sources have indicated that booster pay cuts to Buckeye players may have resulted in players protesting with a work stoppage during Monday's BCS game.

Players found out about booster plans early in the 1st quarter, shortly after Ted Ginn benefitted from Roy Hall's holding that was not called. Buckeye players discovered that boosters were trying to cut payments to players known as "golden envelopes" by as much as 35%. Troy Smith was overheard saying, "I'm not a freshman, I deserve more than $500. Screw this."

Other factions, led by Antonio Pittman, protested this work stoppage by scoring a touchdown in the second quarter. However, Pittman misunderstood and thought that the booster pay cuts would not affect starters. Once he found out, the Buckeyes were united in their work stoppage.

An unidentified booster gave the rationale for the pay cuts: "It is expensive to travel to Arizona from Ohio. We thought we could economize in this matter."



TRESSEL TRIES PEYOTE, LIKES IT!

Glendale (OP) - The seemingly straightlaced Jim Tressel is enjoying his time in Arizona. While most coaches come down to Arizona with a heavy workload that prevents them any immersion into the desert culture, Jim Tressel has embraced the native Arizona culture. Tressel has apparently been consuming peyote in large quantities since the Buckeyes arrived in Arizona.

In related news, when asked about his decision to go for it on 4th and 1 deep inside Buckeye territory, Tressel responded that it was a "groovy" decision.



LAURINAITIS GIVES BACK AWARD; SMITH KEEPS HEISMAN

James Laurinaitis, the Ohio State linebacker and leader of the Buckeye defense, decided to give back the Nagurski Award. "Patrick Willis' defense never gave up 34 points in a half," Laurinaitis said, defending his decision.

Troy Smith, the Heisman Trophy winner, took a different course of action. Smith quite emphatically said that he was keeping his award. "I'm keeping it," Smith said, "don't you realize that most Heisman Trophy winners lose in bowl games? Herschel Walker lost. Vinny Testeverde lost. I'm doing my part for the Heisman tradition."



OHIO STATE TO STRUGGLE AGAINST FLORIDA?

Ohio State has had many problems against the SEC, especially in bowl games.

They lost against South Carolina in the 2002 and 2001 Outback Bowls, even though South Carolina was unranked in 2001.

They lost against Tennessee in the 1996 Citrus Bowl.

They lost to Alabama in the 1995 Citrus Bowl.

They lost to Georgia in the 1993 Citrus Bowl.

They lost to Auburn in the 1990 Hall of Fame Bowl

They lost to Alabama in the 1978 Sugar Bowl.

Can they beat Florida? Or does the SEC have some attribute that Ohio State has always had trouble with? We shall find out soon.